Why Marriage Scares Me

I’d like to preface this by saying that marriage is a beautiful thing. It really is. Especially in the religion of Islam,  marriage is seen as a religious union between two souls who are ready to take on all of life and its challenges together. Two people literally sign a contract (nikkah) that says they’re going to be responsible for each other for the rest of their lives, there are a couple of witnesses, and you accept each other in front of your loved ones and in front of God. And in return, this unites two families, two individuals, and ultimately two worlds.

Yes it’s beautiful. Yes those proposals are cute as hell. And yes, the wedding celebrations make you want to get married yourself and start planning about how fly you and your future bae’s color-to-outfit coordination is going to look on your wedding day.  You’re thinking wedding decor, bridesmaids, venues, and guests (because let’s face it, you have to invite that one aunty, whose neighbor’s daughter’s friend’s dog gave birth and you were invited to see the action live. And if you don’t invite her it’s culturally unacceptable because well..like..how dare you not?).

But all of that is short-term thinking and for a moment, we forget about the long-term effects of this decision. After the parties have settled down, after the glitz and glamour disappear, and after you receive your wedding photos and flex for the gram, there’s a terrifying realization that dawns upon you : this is it. This is the person who I’m going to be with for the rest of my life.  This is who I promised God, I would take care of for like….ever.

And it’s not a bad realization. It’s actually a beautiful thing. But growing up and seeing many marriages both succeed and fail, you start to understand how your marriage can go either way. You obviously want to think positive here and believe that your marriage will succeed, but as soon as you’re married all of a sudden the depth of marriage becomes vividly clear. You start to comprehend the extent of your responsibilities towards this person.

Along with religious duties that are mandatory towards your spouse, you take on an additional set of cultural duties too (my South Asians peeps, you know exactly what I’m talking about). There is also the added pressure of in-laws, the stress of finances (you’re going to be filing your taxes together for goodness sake), adjusting to living with each other, raising children, paying bills (btw her debt is your debt now and vise versa) and the list goes on.

It’s not so much that marriage scares me, it’s the fact that so many people have a basic, surface-level understanding of it. And it’s largely due to the fantasy of it painted by Hollywood and Bollywood movies. It’s not as simple as you love someone and they love you and then you both live happily ever after. Frankly, love is not enough to sustain a marriage. Because love will fade as soon as you see the bills aren’t paid on time. Love will peace the hell out when you see your partner being disrespectful or irresponsible. You will literally be like “love? who dat?” when and if your spouse has an explosive temper and isn’t dealing with problems and situations in a mature manner. If anything, I believe respect for each other plays a larger and more significant role. But furthermore, it goes to show that so many things factor into a marriage such as religious views, culture, mentality, expectations, finances, attitude, maturity, personality and overall compatibility.

But then your argument might be, but people who are compatible in every way still get divorced. And my response is, yes. Yes they do and this is the harsh truth. The reason marriage scares me is because it is one of the biggest risks you will ever take in your life. Forget investing in stock, this is an actual human-being you’re going to pour forth your entire life into. Your time, your money, your energy, your hopes, your dreams, your future — they’re going to absorb it all. And statistics say you already have a 50% chance of divorce once you tie the knot. You are not only jumping into something that would risk your own life, but you even have the potential to destroy another. And I don’t know what would rip me apart more : being ruined, or leaving someone else in ruins.

But whatever the case is, I’m not here to scare people out of marriage. You should marry, and you should be able to love the person you’re marrying, and you should be excited to spend the rest of your life with them, but you should also keep all these factors in mind. And one of the most magnificent things in Islam is that we’re taught to rely on God for everything. That we don’t have to make these big and confusing decisions alone. That if we ask Him, He will guide us.

So pray about it. Contemplate about it. Think hard and clear about it. Ask God to send your heart to the person who is best for you, and make you the best for them. Ask God to give you the patience, capacity, love and mercy to deal with another human-being. And ask God for courage and His mercy to make this bond one that is ever-lasting, both in this life and the hereafter. Because if anything, when your marriage is up in flames, it is only God who will save your relationship. Marriage won’t be easy, but I do think that ultimately, it will be a decision that’s worth it.

 

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31 Comment

  1. Salaam Nashiha,
    Im a recent follower of yours and I just had to comment on how much i love your writings! I feel like you put a lot of thought and soul into your writing and have great advice. I feel like we also have similar perspectives on a lot of stuff and would love to have a friend like you in person. Anyways, I encourage you to keep sharing your writing and being you 😊

    1. Nashiha Pervin says: Reply

      Haha when people tell me they want to be my friend just through my writing, it actually warms my heart! You’re the sweetest, thank you so much for your support 🙂

      1. Anonymous says: Reply

        Your welcome 🙂 Btw, I cant wait for your new book too. The excerpts on Instagram are so interesting!

        1. Nashiha Pervin says: Reply

          Ahhh! Thank you 🙂 I definitely need time to work on it more! Please keep me in your du’as! haha

  2. Your welcome 🙂 Btw, I cant wait to read your new book too. The excerpts on Instagram are really interesting!!!

  3. Razia says: Reply

    Nashiha!!! You are killing it!! I have been following your page for a while now and your words have helped me in ways you will never know! It has encouraged me to keep praying and to pick up the pen and write and share my thoughts!!! I love your words, your videos and blog!! Keep it up Nash, you be presenting all the Muslims out there (MashAllah) <333333

    1. Nashiha Pervin says: Reply

      Haha I’m so humbled! And if you write, you better not stop girl 🙂 Thank you for your support!

  4. R says: Reply

    A touched-my-soul read. Jzk for it, love.

    1. Nashiha Pervin says: Reply

      So glad it did <3

  5. Anonymous says: Reply

    Yes, you are a master of putting emotions into words. Keep it up.

  6. Tasnim Mahmud says: Reply

    Wow MashaAllah this blog was amazing! I totally agree that marriage isn’t all lovey dovey what most people especially girls tend to think. Seriously need to spread the word about how much responsibility marriage is and how people need to look at it in reality perspective instead of fantasy perspective. Definitely agree with everything you said!! Love reading your stuff ☺️😍 Keep writing wallahi your writing is really making a difference!

    1. Nashiha Pervin says: Reply

      I’m so glad! I just want people to be practical and not in la-la land about such a huge decision in your life. So glad you liked it <3

      1. Tasnim Mahmud says: Reply

        Alhumdulillah so glad you did seriously ❤️ InshaaAllah tomar bhalo chele ashbe for sure 😜 When time is right haha

  7. Tuna pakhi says: Reply

    Omg really nice writing 😘

  8. MANI TI says: Reply

    Just a though-provoked question, do you think what your saying about marriage now is still a bit fantasised/flawed because your not married. I recently spoke to mom about marriage and i felt the exact same way as you do because she thought that I was still in my little bubble of fantasy-notebook-situated perception of marriage. And she told me that you willl never fully understand the essence or struggles of marriage until you are actually married. So the question is do you think your thoughts would completely change when you are married or are your views now pretty accurate to whats to come?

    1. Nashiha Pervin says: Reply

      I don’t really think anything about what i’ve said is at all, a fantasy. lol It’s pretty realistic in my opinion. And I’ve seen my own parent’s marriage and have learned a great deal from them. But I’m sure I’ll learn a lot when I’m married myself. lol

  9. Hey, I like your stuff. Friend kept mentioning this chick “Nashiha” and I kept thinking she was misspelling Naseeha, haha. I may be stupid here, but do you have an email list or some way to follow this blog/website? Nothing is popping up on my end. I love supporting fellow writers 🙂

    1. Nashiha Pervin says: Reply

      Ahhh thank you! And I’m actually working on building an email list soon, so stay tuned! But haha I appreciate it 🙂

  10. HeartofReticence says: Reply

    LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! your words are everything Nash! you have inspired me to write and share what i feel!!! I have finally gained the courage to do so, and writing is so peaceful! I understand why people do it now!! I have been following your page for Allah knows how long and your words have only made feel so motivated to pursue only His happiness and to continue to believe in His infinite wisdom!! and btw, i love your and monika’s videos!! ahahahahah!! They be on repeat!! Much love to you guys!! Your in my prayers, as your words are in my heart!

  11. Konuralp says: Reply

    I love your writing! They are just amazing!

    1. Nashiha Pervin says: Reply

      Aw thank you! I really appreciate it!

  12. Jimmy says: Reply

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  13. Anonymous says: Reply

    Wow Mashallah you have a great way with words, I hope I could write as eloquently as you and I think I am going to try my best and start 😀
    Love your Instagram page, so many great quotes and sayings, and it bought me to this blog of yours and this is the first post I’m reading and I could not agree more with all that was said.
    Marriage is a beautiful beautiful thing but it is important to know the full picture and not just what you see on TV, May Allah grant us all righteous spouses who will bring us closer to him and May Allah make them a coolness for our eyes, ameen

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  21. Khatija says: Reply

    Salaams Nashiha,
    I’ve been following you on Instagram and I think that your posts are so enlightening and eye-opening ❤️

    I just wanted your peiece of advice on how to deal with my current situation that I’m dealing with, I just need guidance.

    I’ve been communicated with a man for 3 years now, but in those three years he would vanish and then appear again. I finally agreed on meeting him, I met him last year October and since then we were together for approximately 6 months.
    Since I developed feelings for him and was so fond of him I requested my dad to do a background check on him to see if he’s a good candidate.
    Later we found out that he’s married with a child and is currently separated.
    I’m completely hurt and disappointed and would like advise from you, please 🌹

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