Hey Nash! So I just got out of this emotionally abusive relationship with this one guy who always seemed to turn everything around on me. If he did something wrong, I was at fault. And I found myself apologizing to him for everything too. Despite all the red flags, I stayed. The reason I stayed with him was because I wanted to get married, but recently after two years of dating, he said he didn’t want to get married to me due to differences in caste. Was I just manipulated and strung along this entire time?
First of all, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t even imagine how emotionally drained and confused you must be due to his actions. It’s always a heart-breaking experience when you end things with someone who you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with.
But what if in your case, the end to this relationship was actually a blessing? Let’s get one thing clear, a normal person who messes up acknowledges they messed up, and then tries to amend things. They’ll apologize, do whatever they have to in order to regain your trust, or just overall respect your decision to not want to deal with them anymore.
However, someone who exhibits a manipulative personality will never take accountability for their actions. They won’t acknowledge that they hurt you. They won’t even consider the heavy impact it had on you. They just can’t and they won’t. It clashes with their perception of their selves, and therefore, it’s easier for them to just deflect their problems onto you.
As far as being strung along, I hate to be blunt with you but I think it’s the only way we can keep things real. I think to some degree you strung yourself along. You mentioned that you noticed the red flags, his destructive behaviors, his inability to self-reflect and him just being an overall jerk. It’s at that point when you should have kicked this guy to the curb. So really, my question is, what were you thinking?
Many of us have self-esteem and self-confidence issues which make us settle for relationships that are less than healthy and fulfilling. So all I ask is for you to reflect within yourself. Why did you stay with a person who constantly made you feel guilty for his mistakes? Why weren’t you able to move on and find someone who can treat you with respect and care? Why settle for his bullshit when there is someone out there that is willing to provide you with more than false promises and heart-break?
Truth is, Maybe You’re Just Attached . Or maybe due to past experiences, this is how you associate with what love is. So while yes, he needs to take ownership of his behavior, we too must ask ourselves why we choose to deal with poor treatment, abuse, and people who are just not good for us. Maybe it’s a repeat of how our parents treated us? Maybe we were abused as kids? Maybe this is all we’ve seen our lives? We must get to the bottom of why we put up with this as well.
Nevertheless, I’m so proud of you for leaving such an unhealthy person. At first, withdrawal is going to kick in and it’s going to be one of the worst experiences of pain you’ll ever feel. You’re going to be tempted to go back, but I want you to remember all the emotions of frustration, confusion, and overall dissatisfaction you experienced. I want you to remember that no matter how many times you go back, nothing will change. I want you to remember the pain he caused you with his words. The torture you feel when he doesn’t empathize with you or understand you.
I want you to remember that he won’t marry you. Nor will he change who he is. So don’t go back, go forward. And as time goes on, you’ll learn to breathe again, be happy again, open your heart up and love again. And I can’t wait till time heals you and you experience a love that is beautiful, uplifting, kind, responsible and nourishing. Because that kind of love and that kind of treatment actually does exist. Hope God blesses you with one soon.
From a fellow survivor of emotional abuse to another,