I Was Manipulated

Hey Nash! So I just got out of this emotionally abusive relationship with this one guy who always seemed to turn everything around on me. If he did something wrong, I was at fault. And I found myself apologizing to him for everything too. Despite all the red flags, I stayed. The reason I stayed with him was because I wanted to get married, but recently after two years of dating, he said he didn’t want to get married to me due to differences in caste. Was I just manipulated and strung along this entire time?


First of all, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t even imagine how emotionally drained and confused you must be due to his actions.  It’s always a heart-breaking experience when you end things with someone who you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with.

But what if in your case, the end to this relationship was actually a blessing? Let’s get one thing clear, a normal person who messes up acknowledges they messed up, and then tries to amend things. They’ll apologize, do whatever they have to in order to regain your trust, or just overall respect your decision to not want to deal with them anymore.

However, someone who exhibits a manipulative personality will never take accountability for their actions. They won’t acknowledge that they hurt you. They won’t even consider the heavy impact it had on you. They just can’t and they won’t. It clashes with their perception of their selves, and therefore,  it’s easier for them to just deflect their problems onto you.

As far as being strung along, I hate to be blunt with you but I think it’s the only way we can keep things real. I think to some degree you strung yourself along. You mentioned that you noticed the red flags, his destructive behaviors, his inability to self-reflect and him just being an overall jerk. It’s at that point when you should have kicked this guy to the curb. So really, my question is, what were you thinking? 

Many of us have self-esteem and self-confidence issues which make us settle for relationships that are less than healthy and fulfilling. So all I ask is for you to reflect within yourself. Why did you stay with a person who constantly made you feel guilty for his mistakes? Why weren’t you able to move on and find someone who can treat you with respect and care? Why settle for his bullshit when there is someone out there that is willing to provide you with more than false promises and heart-break?

Truth is, Maybe You’re Just Attached . Or maybe due to past experiences, this is how you associate with what love is. So while yes, he needs to take ownership of his behavior, we too must ask ourselves why we choose to deal with poor treatment, abuse, and people who are just not good for us. Maybe it’s a repeat of how our parents treated us? Maybe we were abused as kids? Maybe this is all we’ve seen our lives? We must get to the bottom of why we put up with this as well

Nevertheless, I’m so proud of you for leaving such an unhealthy person. At first, withdrawal is going to kick in and it’s going to be one of the worst experiences of pain you’ll ever feel. You’re going to be tempted to go back, but I want you to remember all the emotions of frustration, confusion, and overall dissatisfaction you experienced. I want you to remember that no matter how many times you go back, nothing will change. I want you to remember the pain he caused you with his words. The torture you feel when he doesn’t empathize with you or understand you.

I want you to remember that he won’t marry you. Nor will he change who he is.  So don’t go back, go forward. And as time goes on, you’ll learn to breathe again, be happy again, open your heart up and love again. And I can’t wait till time heals you and you experience a love that is beautiful, uplifting, kind, responsible and nourishing. Because that kind of love and that kind of treatment actually does exist. Hope God blesses you with one soon.

From a fellow survivor of emotional abuse to another,

Nash

 

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8 Comment

  1. Hey nashiha,i love all your quotes and blogs. I have been fell in love with a guy.after 2 weeks,astagfirullah there was physical contact but no zina.The day after that physical contact,he told me he has to listen to his parents(parents will not accept as he have to marry the cousin in india),he knew it beforehand.He even scolded me that do he need to ditch his parents to come after me.I begged him to stay as there was a always a way of working out things.however,he told me he was not interested in me, and i am pestering him.He even told me,i was too short; i lookes like small gal and i can be prettier.at last he told me he has no more feelings,if hes going to live with me ,its out of sympathy.i feel very lost.

    1. Experienced person with abusive love says: Reply

      Hey! I don’t know who you are but as someone that similarly has been in your shoes, don’t beg him to stay please. His intention from the beginning was all wrong.. or that he made himself believe that his intentions were right. But his love was only out of lust, or to satisfy himself purely because after you hear that he is the one with the low self esteem and the one who is self-destructive then I’m sure you will thank God he has wanted to move on. So move on too. Those guys… (“f***kboys”) are not for us girls with who carry authenticity and loyalty as our value system. We need to know how to love ourselves and work our relationship with Allah first before we can love anyone and/or people can love and respect us.

  2. Love yr blogs!

    1. Nashiha Pervin says: Reply

      Thank you 🙂

  3. Anonymous says: Reply

    You were emotionally abused too? I thought Monika only had the relationship problems. Sorry not saying that we arent human. We all go through experiences, I just never knew it happened to you. Thanks for sharing love. Ps. I didn’t mean to offend anyone.

    1. Nashiha Pervin says: Reply

      Hahah yes in high school! And emotional abuse doesn’t just happen from boys, it can happen from your friends who are girls, family members and loved ones as well!

      1. Sara says: Reply

        Yes I definitely know what you mean. I never fit in any groups and sometimes I was ridiculed by certain groups. May Allah help us all.

  4. Rizwan says: Reply

    This is sure a great article which needs many women’s attentions plus the guys also , Allah soubhan waa tahallah made women’s different in nature and they become soft and emotional really quick that is the first thing that men take advantage on and it is truly sad and disappointing that Muslims not suppose to do any kind of act that haram other Muslim because it can happen to their own love ones by someone one day , but sadly no one care , it’s becayse the fear of Allah soubhan waa tahallah has left the hearts , shaytan has made many Muslims around us blind with heart , they can see but their hearts are blind , they think they are going to live in this world forever and the biggest act that shaytan made them fool easily is that they think Allah is merciful so it’s all good and Allah will forgive them in the end , that is really common in 90% Muslims in these days , they smoke , they drink , they join clubs, they go in places where alchol serve openly , they gather in parties where music , crazy dancing is just normal , guys style like girls and girls style like guys , and when you tell them it’s not allow in Islam, the answer is always oh don’t worry Allah is merciful and we all will be forgiven but in reality they don’t realize that they are playing with Allah rules and making Allah and his angels upset and when Allah worth be sent upon them then they say oh my rub why you pick me why I am the only one you decided to punish , instead of looking at inside in their selfs and see what they did or done so wrong that made Allah upset. Today’s time the fitna is so much observe in our lives and shaytan made that fitna look just nothing in our eyes , we met someone and fall in love in few weeks , that’s actually shaytan biggest trick , we think it’s love but in reality it is shaytan plan that he is been working on for so long and we don’t even realize how smart is shaytan is , a real muslim and muslimah gourd their heart and gourd their eyes , a real muslim or muslimah will not involve in any act of thing, call Dating , or hanging out with guys , they understand and know that it is completely haram in Islam and Allah and his belove Messenger prophet Muhammad pbuh never gave us to be involve in any kind of act like this.
    It is our fault that we let shaytan fooled us and made us go out of limit and put fake Web on our eyes and we start thinking or feeling that it’s love. Real love only start after marriage , if the guy is not ready to get marry after month then he is not the right guy and if muslimah is not ready to get marry after month of talking then she is not interesting.
    We Muslims needs to check our selfs and our heart day and night and ask our selfs , is what we are doing is my religion allowed to do such a act.
    May Allah help the Ummah and help the young youth who are away from understanding the beauty of Islam and following of prophet Muhammad pbuh ameen.

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