4 Qualities of Toxic People and How to Curve the Sh*T out of Them

There’s something you need to understand. Toxic people exist and they come in all forms, sizes, races and genders. We’re all tied to or have previously been tied to a toxic person through different relationships. They can be a parent, sibling, lover, friend, or even a coworker. They’re not necessarily bad people, however, they can inflict a great deal of pain onto you . Thereby, making them bad for you. Here are the top 4 qualities of toxic people and what you can do to curve, swerve and clap back in your own way to avoid these mofos.

1 – It’s always about them.

Everything is always about them. These are the ‘me, me, me’ kind of people. They’re the type who will stop talking about themselves because they want to give you the chance to talk about them too. They have a very self-centered attitude, and anything and everything that doesn’t involve them is irrelevant. They’ll listen to your problems because you know, gotta act like a decent human-being or whatever, but they don’t actually care about you. You are expected to be there for them at the drop of a hat, but they don’t have to be there for you, period. They will bring out all kinds of excuses. “I’m busy,” they’ll say. “I just have a lot going on right now” they’ll complain. Or better yet, you’ll experience the beauty of being ghosted by them when you need them the most. Later on in life when you’ve finally escaped a toxic person, you’ll realize that being ghosted by them was truly beautiful and a mother freaking blessing in disguise.

What you should do : Stop being available to these people. Stop responding to their texts. Stop dropping everything you’re doing because they need you. Stop. Put yourself first and no you’re not being selfish for doing that. You need you more than anybody else. Gain control of yourself. And especially if the effort isn’t being reciprocated, get the hell out of this imbalanced relationship. Now it’s much easier stated if they’re a friend or significant other or coworker. But if they’re a parent or relative, it is much harder. You live with some of these people. So what I want you to do is mentally disengage. Do what you’re asked because they need you, but mentally park yourself in a happy place. Tell yourself you’re doing this because you want to earn some good deeds. Make it about God and never about them. But even then, I’d suggest keeping a healthy distance and surrounding yourself with a supportive group of friends who understand your situation and are there to help you get through it all. Friendships, and the right kind, truly saves and changes lives.

2- They’re always the victim.
So as they hit you with another one of their million sob-stories, you’ll realize there’s a constant theme : they’re always the victim. They’ll tell the stories where they were clearly the one in the wrong from such an angle, that you’ll find yourself empathizing with them…? ….Yeah.

Their story : “My Boss gave me a pay-cut because I had health issues and couldn’t come into work. He’s so freaking insensitive. And I’m such a hard-worker.”

Real story: Boss has been patient with their sudden absences, lack of effort in their work, and because they’re way over on their FMLA leave, instead of firing him, He cut his pay.

Their story : “My boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me and I gave him all of me and loved him so much.”

Real story : Boyfriend was tired of being the victim of an abusive person, broke off the relationship with her. But in her mind, they’re not broken up if she didn’t say so. So as he moved onto a newer and far more healthier relationship, she interpreted that as cheating. Because, again, in her head they weren’t broken up.

What you should do: Understand that you should never take their side of the story as the absolute truth. Nope. There is so much more to the story that they will not tell you because well… it makes them look bad. Also there’s a huge change it’s largely exaggerated, details are missing, and it’s just terribly skewed. So instead, know the truth, but just smile and nod. It’s absolutely useless to argue back with them and call them out on their bullshit, but you should just be aware that they’re full of shit about 100% of the time anyways. So go along with it. Add in a “I’m so sorry to hear that” remark, but acknowledge that this person is the farthest thing from being a victim. And if you’re not absolutely careful in how you treat them, they’re going to tell the next person you messed them up somehow. Short answer : Smile, nod, walk away knowing they spew nothing but false/pity narrations from their mouth.

3- They’re manipulative and lie

I mean any toxic person who is going to try and tell you they were a victim, has to possess some ability to manipulate and distort the truth. You know, manipulation and lying isn’t bad when you’re writing a story for a book. It isn’t bad when you’re trying to build someone and their self-esteem up. It isn’t bad when the outcome of it is good or helping someone or something. But it’s absolutely horrific if that’s what you use in your interaction with people on a day-to-day basis. It’s harmful if that’s what you use to keep friendships or romantic relationships. It’s frightening if it causes damage and becomes a weapon of emotional torture and abuse.

What you should do : One thing that scares toxic people more than anything is the truth about themselves. Catch ’em in a lie. And be very logical and rational about it and point it out. Give them concrete evidence, the type they can’t deny. But be ready for a reaction because you’re in for a show. They will get super defensive and deny everything. And they’ll utilize their manipulation skills in this very instance to let you know “you don’t know anything,” “you’re making this up,” “it’s all in your head” and whatever other kind of bogus claims they can think of. They’ll tell you that you’re a hazard for their health and that you are the reason they can’t become better. Flat out ignore that B.S. What they’re doing is deflecting their problems onto you and taking zero responsibility and accountability for their behavior. It’s a defense mechanism for protecting the lies they believe about themselves. Giggle a bit, swerve their accusations, brush your shoulders off and get moving with your life. The truth always triumphs no matter how much they deny it. And if you believe in a God, believe that He’s watching.

4. They drain the hell out of you.

There are two types of people in the world they say : fountains and drains. Fountains are the type of people who literally overflow with happiness and joy. They fill you with life, with hope, with care and love. And then…there are the drains. They suck the life out of you. You feel depleted after being with them. Their negativity latches onto you and again, sucks you dry. Something about their vibe and aura is just off. You don’t even know what it is, you’re just not digging it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you almost feel responsible for their problems now. That whenever they’re troubled, you become their metaphorical toilet and they take an emotional dump on you. You feel walked over, taken for granted, over-needed yet under-appreciated.

What you should do : Preserve your energy and compose yourself in a way where their vampire, soul-sucking selves cannot phase you. Don’t react, don’t take on their burdens and don’t fight back. Simply soak in their negativity, find your nearest toilet, and dump that sh*t out. Literally. You cannot allow them to disturb your inner peace. You cannot allow their hurtful words to penetrate you. Don’t even take them seriously. If you think you can prove your point by arguing with these people, you’re sadly mistaken. They believe they can defy logic and evidence. Pull away slowly and gradually to the point where you’re at a safe space to cut them off. Because eventually, in the long-run, people like this will become unbearable to deal with. You can only ignore someone for so long when they’re up in yo face all day errday. And if you can’t cut them off, refer back to the first few sentences and repeat.

Many times toxic people are just deeply troubled humans who need help. Many times, I don’t even think they know they’re toxic. And it’s scary because if you are engaged with them long enough, even you become toxic. And that’s when you need to check yourself.

But I think what will help liberate you is understanding that you are, in no way shape or form, responsible for helping, changing, or improving their behavior. What they do and who they are is none of your business. What they say, does not hold truth. It’s simply their truth (so basically a lie). Just take care of your mental health. Work towards surrounding yourself with positive and uplifting souls. And do you.

 

 

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5 Comment

  1. Anonymous says: Reply

    Honestly it’s just so amazing how something would happen to me and next thing you know your blogpost is all about it. Mashallah may Allah reward you. As salam alaiykum

    1. Nashiha Pervin says: Reply

      I really think that on a basic level, we’re all the same and we all go through the same things 🙂 Thank you! Ameen and to you too!

  2. Maya says: Reply

    Thank you for writing this Nashiha. You said that the toxic person could be a parent; I feel like the application part of this post applies best to the people in your life who aren’t family.
    What if you have recognized that some of these signs apply to a parent? What do you do then? xxx

  3. Trisha says: Reply

    This is what I need rn. Thanks Nashiha!

    1. Nashiha Pervin says: Reply

      No problem 🙂

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